The 13 Party

With Kevin Rudd’s Twitter gaff post origin still fresh in the mind (Congrats Broncos! KRudd) one is reminded of the many times politicians have tried to talk the footy talk...and failed harder than Peter Costello dancing the Macarena. Whether its Bob Carr revving the NSW Blues up for their big Origin match against Victoria or Paul Keating congratulating Steve Roach on ‘all the great tries he kicked for Balmain’ the pollies have time and time again showed they are out of touch when it comes to the big issues in this country. It’s a disgrace.

Therefore the good people of this land have no choice but to demand that a specialist rugby league party of current and ex footy players follow in the great steps of Mal Meninga and stand in the next Federal election. Here is the shortlist of potential candidates to appear on the party ticket.

Nathan Hindmarsh                                     

Pros: Has shown great stamina over the years and been a solid leader of an inconsistent team

Cons: Terrible grooming and lacks poise in front of the camera (http://bit.ly/mSjHeh)

Slogan: “I’ll give it a crack!”

 Darren Lockyer                   

Pros: A proven winner sure to corner the QLD vote lost by Rudd’s dismissal

Cons: Voice makes Julia Gillard sound like Barry White

Slogan: “Hurgh, ughhm hrr mzz yhrm!”

"Shit, my car!"

 Matt Orford: 

Pros: Already lives in Canberra, solid toiler with great perseverance

Cons: Already failed in Canberra whilst getting paid a lot of money

Slogan: “I’ll come good, trust me!”

"The wigs. The catchphrases. Brilliant".

 Beau Ryan

Pros: Would be great on the front bench (plenty of experience sitting on the bench), has media experience and guaranteed at least a vote from Tim Sheens.

Cons: Prone to brain explosions , bound to have made a few enemies in his comedy days
Slogan: “Beau knows what you want!”

What could go wrong?

Todd Carney     

Pros: Like many former great politicians Carney has shown that he is capable of turning his life around and overcoming adversity. Wouldn’t mind living in Canberra and would fit well into any party. Has some small business experience.

Cons: Technically could be arrested if his driver stops at the traffic lights in Goulburn on the way to parliament house.

Slogan: “C’mon Australia, give me a chance! Again!”

Adam Macdougall 

Pros: Impressive speaker who is not afraid to put the boot into the opposition (just ask Toovs!)

Cons: Tends to go missing in action for long stretches and may earn the ire of the house speaker if his thighs keep interrupting parliament.

Slogan: “My thighs never let me down so don’t you even think of it!”

Probably the best not to think about the term explore in too much depth here.

‘Honest’ John Hopoate

Pros: Family Man and good Christian who has adapted to a number of changes throughout his career

Cons: Has been known to poke into areas that don’t concern him, could be argued that he doesn’t always have his finger on the pulse and at times behaves like a bit of an ass at times

Slogan: “Let honest John put his hand up for you!”

A Name for the Game Part 2

The other day we were able to have a look at some of the more impressive names to have run around in rugby league and, well, I have to say the response has been...about akin to that of drinks at Brian Smith’s house after Roosters training. Nevertheless here is the second half of A Name for the Game so finish your oranges, neck that Staminade and rip in!

Ahn Do, call this man

6. Max Mannix                                                                                                                                

‘Mad’ Max Mannix well and truly earned his moniker after the speedy flank-man dropped the ball over the line swan diving for a try against the Dragons in 1984 whilst playing for the Bulldogs. Retiring due to a neck injury after a brief stint with Illawarra Mannix fled Australia for Japan where he set up Japanese Rugby league and became a multi-award winning film maker-surely a Japanese version of ‘Footy Legends’ can’t be too far away then Max?

Name Rating: ****1/2

Player Rating: ** (1 star bonus for helping International Rugby league)

Middle Name: awesome-maximus

7. Makasini Richter                                                                                         

Makasini ‘Off-Da’ Richter was a journeyman Tongan international who had stints at the Bulldogs, Magpies and Tigers. Unlike others on this list Makasini got to choose his name having previously gone by the titles of Jackson Kaufusi and Lipina Kaufusi, however he maintains his star rating for going for something as awesome as Richter and not lame like ‘Karmichael De Vere.”

Name Rating: ****

Player Rating: **1/2

I know what you're thinking, but how many tries did Ian Healy score?

8. Bronko Djura                                                                                                

Talented sporting all-rounder  played both rugby league and cricket for Australia at schoolboy level (keeping Ian Healy out of the cricket team) before playing fullback for a number of Sydney clubs. Funnily enough ‘Bucking’ Bronko never played for Brisbane (or Australia again for that matter!).

Name rating: ****

Plater rating: ***

Faster than a disappearing franchise...

9. Steele Retchless                                                                                         

The man of Steele was a hard working second rower who gave great service to every club he played for...problem was most of the clubs he played for ended up folding! Retchless pulled on the boots for Valley Diehards, Brisbane Wests, Brisbane Broncos, Sth QLD Crushers and the London Broncos (hint: One of these clubs is not like the others).  Surely he could have fitted a season at the Steelers in there!

In addition to this Steele holds the record for most tackles in a Super League match (66) and turned out for the USA Tomahawks on a number of occasions. Superman ain’t got nothing on the ‘Retch!

Player rating: ****

Name Rating: ****

"Do you really want to play me off the bench, clown?"

10. Batman(?)                                                                                                   

I know what you’re thinking, why no first name? Well it’s Batman you fool, do you think he would go around letting out his secret identity to match officials?

Batman played a single game for Glebe in 1909, I shit you not, look it up. Whilst details of his performance are hazy it is believed he formed part of a dynamic duo at the club’s scrum base but ended up being given his marching orders early for belting some joker from the other team (perhaps Beau Ryan’s Great Great Grandfather). Was cut after being found that the Batcave fell outside Glebe’s residential zonage.

Player Rating: *

Name Rating: *****

A Name for the Game part 1

Names are a big deal in rugby league. Have a famous name and not only will it look great on your Origin jersey (somewhere under the VB logo) but it can also open up a number of doors opportunity wise. This is commonly known in footy circles as the Scot Fulton phenomenon and has nothing to do with lobsters.

Akin to this is the player who just plain has a ‘cool’ name. Rugby league is a sport built on intimidation and whilst having a name like Clive Lemon (Parramatta, 9 games) or Damon Booby (Canberra, 2 games) might not have any effect on your performance it is going to put a bloody big target on your head when you cross the touch line. Hence, here are 5 of rugby league’s coolest names and whether or not the players were able to live up to them.

Old Royston never struck twice in the same game

Royston Lightning                                                                                             

Old ‘Thunderin’ was a winger for the Green Machine during a period of their history when they were mostly rubbish. After Nadruku  and Nagas had made Canberra the competitions entertainers big things were expected of Royston however he failed to live up to the early hype and was more passing shower than category 5 storm. Retired to be the bloke in the Storm man mascot outfit...or playing park footy in Cairns, whatever you want to believe.

Name Rating: ****

Player rating: **

The mullet was a hit-ro too!

Hitro Okesene                                                                                                     

Rugby league is all about big hits and hits were this bloke’s, err..first name! Big Hitro had a long career playing in NZ then England as well representing both Samoa and NZ at International level and can these days can be found working in construction (i.e. scaffolding) in the North of England

Name Rating: *****

Player Rating: ****

Carlo Napolitano, Italian RL Coach doing his best Aldo Ferrari impersonation

Aldo Ferrari                                                                                       

Smokey who played 6 games for the University club back in the day. Not much is known about old ‘Sports car’ however considering he only played half a dozen games for eternal strugglers uni I’m guessing he was more Datsun 180B than Ferrari! Is assumed to have played on the wing.

Name Rating: ****1/2

Player Rating; *

The Paddle Pop Lion had a brief foray into professional sport

Brett Le Man                                                                                     

With a name like this you could only ever be three things;  a heavily moustached adult film star, WWE Wrestler or hard hitting back rower Gordon Tallis lookalike. Brett Le Man was the latter and carved out an impressive BRL career before running around in the Broncos formative years, scoring their first ever try in competition. Also rumoured to have knocked back an offer to play for the French National side. Who da man? Le Man Da Man!

Name rating: *****

Player Rating: ***1/2

"Ice to see you"

Sam Isemonger                                                                                               

The ‘Iceman’ was a freakishly tall almost albino forward who gave good service to both the Sharks and Dragons...imagine him and Kade ‘Abominable’ Snowden packing down together! Cruelled by a series of knee injuries Frosty retired to a lifetime of applying sunscreen at Cronulla beach and bad ice related puns.

Name rating: ****

Player rating:***