Four Nations Final Preview

The Four Nations Final (called so because it starts at 4am I believe) is on again this weekend, and as the nudist enforcer  Rex Mossip would have said it appears to “be Déjà Vu all over again” for England. You think Bill Murray had it bad in Groundhog Day?  All he had to do was root the tepidly attractive Andie McDowell to escape his infinite loop, England have to put behind them a couple of generations worth of anxiety issues after continually getting pipped by the Kangaroos via some bullshit play in the last second.

Exhibit #4,326

So to the important issue; should you forego your Sunday sleep in to catch the game? Of course you should, lest you rely on Grant Hackett to spoon feed you the results through his toothy grin on Sports Sunday.  Any drowsiness you might suffer will soon be blown away by the heaving Elland road as English fans hope to erase the disappointment of 2009. And 2003. And 2004. And 2001. And 1995. And 1994. And 1992. And 1990 and, well, you probably get the picture. Let’s just say it’s a dry spell Peter Peters would be embarrassed by.

Operation desert storm

I’m predicting a match full of great highlights intersected with crappy early morning TV ads about erectile dysfunction, so here are a couple of things to especially watch out for.

5. Ryan Hall

The ‘Billy Buster’ can sniff out a try and even number up in defence, which earns him automatic cult status after some of the gumps who have inhabited the English right flank in recent campaigns. Get a good look at him now before he gets signed by the English rugby union.

"On the right yeh boss?"

4. Rangi Chase brain explosions

One can only ponder that Tim Sheens cut Rangi ‘Tea & Crumpets’ Chase from the Wests Tigers because his dicky heart just couldn’t take him and Benji Marshall ad-libbing all over the field for 80minutes. His chip kick from a 20m restart in England’s first game against Australia was an absolute pearler and there’s sure to be much more hilarity as Chase tries to outrageously overplay his hand yet again.

"Popped collar? That's not very London"

 

3. Darren Lockyer farewell

After 22 years in the top flight Lockyer is calling it quits after doctors warned him that if he lifts any more trophies he will require a double shoulder replacement in the next decade.

Loves to pull out a miracle play in the dying moments after seemingly being absent from the entire match in between ducking stray flying elbows

If it bleeds, we can elbow the fuck out of it

2. Niggle it, Just a little bit

There is no foreseeable scenario that will result in this game being a hard but clean affair played within the game’s true spirits. It is technically impossible.

With loose units like Watmough and Gallen playing for Australia and hard arses like Peacock and Morley for England things were always going to be a bit testy.  Mix in accusations of milking, favouritism, cheating an Aussie ref and outright hatred and you’ve got yourself something that’s going to set off the parental lock on your telly.

Outstanding.

You won't see any of this nonsense in the final...untill after kick off

1. Eddie and Stevo

The reason Tomkins looks so concerned is because Stevo isn't wearing any pants

If you don’t want to wake up the missus on Sunday I suggest having the TV on mute as any sort of volume is likely to leave her feeling like Eddie Hemmings and Mike Stephenson are having a shouting match under her bed.

The dynamic sky sports  duo are certainly an excitable pair, and after narrowly avoiding an AVO being levelled against them by Henry Perenara in the last Aus vs. Eng match you can bet they’ll be really flying on Sunday.

If Australia win you can expect a great deal of whining about imports in the ESL as they turn bitterly on their own team, whilst if England win they may just spontaneously combust on the spot.

So Sportsfans, be on the tweets bright and early Sunday morning for the last match of the year.

Titanic 2- The Ice Man Cometh

'Hey Des, is that Scott Fulton knicking your lobster pots?"

5 Things I love About the Sharks

Just recently I was accused of being a ‘Sharks hater’ by some of the more devoted fans from the Shire.

No Seriously

 This is totally untrue. I may be many things; An artist, a poet, a dreamer, a doorstop, a fool, a joker, a smoker, a communist, a Sharks hater-but I am definitely NOT a porn star.

I mean Sharks hater.

The Sharks and I go way back, so just to even up any perceived bias here are 5 Things I love about the Cronulla Sharks.

5. A Great Colour Scheme

Being built more like Gavin Miller 2011 than Gavin Miller 1991 I can’t wear any outlandish colours for fear of looking like a reject from a children’s morning TV show, so when I buy clothes I like to stick to the basic colours.

That is blue, black, grey or white.

All of these colours have appeared on the Sharkies jerseys at one stage or another and thus by default I’ve concluded that Cronulla do in fact make the best supporters wear.

Having a giant shark as the emblem doesn’t hurt either.

Ok maybe 2021

4. Mascots

 Again the whole Shark thing comes in pretty handy here and Cronulla have had some of the coolest mascots over the years, which I guess they’ve had to have to compete with the Mermaids booty for attention. Mr Sharky, MC hammerhead, that giant shark fin that used to drive around the ground-all gold.

Sure the whole ‘Reefy’ debacle was about as loved as the alternate jersey from a couple of years ago but you’re always going to get one gummy in the pack aren’t you?

Yep

3. Overhead Powerlines

A bit strange this one but the practice grounds at Cronulla used to have low hanging powerlines over them which meant you weren’t allowed to do a bomb. Sounds crap, but as a kid walking under them on the way into the ground it gave the place this sort of closed in, arena type vibe.

Never played there but the old man did. Something different.

As seen through the eyes of an eight year old

2. Enforcers

Even in their leanest years the Sharks have always managed to put a team of hard arses on the field so at least if they were getting lapped you might still get to watch a stink. Sorensen, Bishop, Davidson, Nutley and now Gallen.

 Lunatics the lot of em!

Try to watch some of the 78 GF, is rated R18+ and  more violent than Rambo 4!

Sorensen -even scarier nude!

 1. Polite Fans

The fans are generally pretty cruisy, come up with funny stuff (like the Covell hands) and can take losing.

Oh, and best of all they never put shit on you for having beat you in a Grand Final ha ha ha!

No really, they can take a joke, right?

Tits a Disaster!!!

For the first couple of years of their life the Gold Coast Titans (or the Tits as they’re affectionately known to locals on the GC) sparkled like the swimsuit of a nubile young meter maid, however 2011 has seen the Tits looking old, saggy and in need of support!

Pic: Titans 2011

Not since Warrick Capper got his wang out on Celebrity Big Brother has the Gold Coast been this disappointed. Performances have become as ugly as Trevor Gilmeister’s baby photos as Captain Scott Prince turned pauper, veteran forward Luke Bailey lumbered around like a balding tourist who had spent all day in the sun at Wet ‘n’ Wild and Coach John Cartwright’s appendix spontaneously combusted after Steve Michael’s dropped his 189^th ball for the season. Cartwright’s unscheduled stint in a Gold Coast recovery ward was by far the biggest blow to the team’s crowd numbers as people from both sides of the border would normally travel hours to see ‘Torretts’ Cartwright in the coach’s box doing his best impersonation of a man trapped in a phone booth with a swarm of deadly European wasps as the Tits flailed and flopped about on the field.

"Ha ha ha has anyone seen that kook Cartwright?"

Speaking of the fans most of them had found better things to do by the seasons pointy end, with many preferring to sample the Gold Coast’s legendary cultural precincts (i.e. The wax museum, Cavill Avenue Maccas, Bad Girls), perv on local talent down at Snapper Rocks or knock over a local servo or two than watch the Tits flop again. The end result of this being some of the Tits’ final game attendances looking more like a casting call for Warrick Capper’s next porno flick than a first grade footy match.

Oh if only you would...

So is this the end for the game’s former glamour boys? Should the Tits go the way of the Seagulls, Chargers and Giants? Will team owner and head Tit Michael Searle be forced to turn the clubs Centre of Excellence into a state of the art pole dancing academy just to make ends meet? Not on your Nelly! Not only does the Gold Coast have some great new Tits coming their way next year as shown in this weeks press conference but the Gold Coast is Australia’s capital of personal reinvention (just ask Tania Zaetta!). A bit of a nip here, a tuck there and whack a couple of big boppers up front and my prediction is the Tits will be back next year bigger, firmer and ready to bounce back on top where they belong!

Fair to say the puns stop here guys