Four Nations Final Preview

The Four Nations Final (called so because it starts at 4am I believe) is on again this weekend, and as the nudist enforcer  Rex Mossip would have said it appears to “be Déjà Vu all over again” for England. You think Bill Murray had it bad in Groundhog Day?  All he had to do was root the tepidly attractive Andie McDowell to escape his infinite loop, England have to put behind them a couple of generations worth of anxiety issues after continually getting pipped by the Kangaroos via some bullshit play in the last second.

Exhibit #4,326

So to the important issue; should you forego your Sunday sleep in to catch the game? Of course you should, lest you rely on Grant Hackett to spoon feed you the results through his toothy grin on Sports Sunday.  Any drowsiness you might suffer will soon be blown away by the heaving Elland road as English fans hope to erase the disappointment of 2009. And 2003. And 2004. And 2001. And 1995. And 1994. And 1992. And 1990 and, well, you probably get the picture. Let’s just say it’s a dry spell Peter Peters would be embarrassed by.

Operation desert storm

I’m predicting a match full of great highlights intersected with crappy early morning TV ads about erectile dysfunction, so here are a couple of things to especially watch out for.

5. Ryan Hall

The ‘Billy Buster’ can sniff out a try and even number up in defence, which earns him automatic cult status after some of the gumps who have inhabited the English right flank in recent campaigns. Get a good look at him now before he gets signed by the English rugby union.

"On the right yeh boss?"

4. Rangi Chase brain explosions

One can only ponder that Tim Sheens cut Rangi ‘Tea & Crumpets’ Chase from the Wests Tigers because his dicky heart just couldn’t take him and Benji Marshall ad-libbing all over the field for 80minutes. His chip kick from a 20m restart in England’s first game against Australia was an absolute pearler and there’s sure to be much more hilarity as Chase tries to outrageously overplay his hand yet again.

"Popped collar? That's not very London"

 

3. Darren Lockyer farewell

After 22 years in the top flight Lockyer is calling it quits after doctors warned him that if he lifts any more trophies he will require a double shoulder replacement in the next decade.

Loves to pull out a miracle play in the dying moments after seemingly being absent from the entire match in between ducking stray flying elbows

If it bleeds, we can elbow the fuck out of it

2. Niggle it, Just a little bit

There is no foreseeable scenario that will result in this game being a hard but clean affair played within the game’s true spirits. It is technically impossible.

With loose units like Watmough and Gallen playing for Australia and hard arses like Peacock and Morley for England things were always going to be a bit testy.  Mix in accusations of milking, favouritism, cheating an Aussie ref and outright hatred and you’ve got yourself something that’s going to set off the parental lock on your telly.

Outstanding.

You won't see any of this nonsense in the final...untill after kick off

1. Eddie and Stevo

The reason Tomkins looks so concerned is because Stevo isn't wearing any pants

If you don’t want to wake up the missus on Sunday I suggest having the TV on mute as any sort of volume is likely to leave her feeling like Eddie Hemmings and Mike Stephenson are having a shouting match under her bed.

The dynamic sky sports  duo are certainly an excitable pair, and after narrowly avoiding an AVO being levelled against them by Henry Perenara in the last Aus vs. Eng match you can bet they’ll be really flying on Sunday.

If Australia win you can expect a great deal of whining about imports in the ESL as they turn bitterly on their own team, whilst if England win they may just spontaneously combust on the spot.

So Sportsfans, be on the tweets bright and early Sunday morning for the last match of the year.