Happy Christmas NRL Fans

Well footy season is still ridiculously far away, but cheer up everyone cause Saint Nick is almost here...

Yeh Gods not that one!

Which means you will be looking to get that special someone in your life (kids, wife, unrequited romantic crush, parole officer etc) a great footy themed present.
 Lucky for you there are some absolute rippers out there. And by rippers I mean an abundance of over-priced, tacky shit. Here's a look at some of the worst.

Broncos Stocking



Why you just wouldn't use a pillow case is beyond me, but for the Broncos fan who has everything (except Darren Lockyer-burn!) there's the offical NRL stocking. Problem is it's not so much a present in itself and would struggle to fit allan langer inside it.

Rabbitohs Bauble



Good for the fact that Souths colours are very Christmas like, however this bauble is unbelievably brittle and can more often than not can be found hanging pretty low on the tree come season end.

Cowboys Bon Bons



Not a whole lot of bang for your buck with these babies as they tend to go off with a whimper, a bit like the Cowboys in last year's final series. Once cracked the insides revealed a paper hat, a crappy green plastic whistle and a bunch of hilarious jokes such as; "Why did the Cowboys sign Robert Lui?" and "A Johnathon Thurston and a Willie Tonga walk into a Darwin nightclub..."


Parramatta Santa Gnome


Well despite the fact that it's wearing Bulldogs colours the gnome does physically resemble most of the players Parra signed for 2011. I hear Paul Osbourne might be selling a few on the cheap if you're keen.

Bulldogs BBQ Fork



Will go well with your Titans spoon and the knife from Kevin Moore's back


A model that is suppossed to look like Brett Hodgson



Pretty sure your kid will  Gordon Tallis  poor old Brett right into the bin if you dare get him this monstrosity for Christmas. On the plus size it is actual size and weight.


Warriors Car Seat Covers



Guranteed to earn you a false drink driving conviction in your local paper come Boxing Day...

Limited edition Rod Henniker footy card



It wouldn't be Christmas without the fat man in red!

Hope this helps, if however you're looking to get a something for your favourite NRL club (besides a threatening email) the following article by my mates at theroar.com.au might be able to help you out.

NRL Team Gifts


All the best

Vic

Four Nations Final Preview

The Four Nations Final (called so because it starts at 4am I believe) is on again this weekend, and as the nudist enforcer  Rex Mossip would have said it appears to “be Déjà Vu all over again” for England. You think Bill Murray had it bad in Groundhog Day?  All he had to do was root the tepidly attractive Andie McDowell to escape his infinite loop, England have to put behind them a couple of generations worth of anxiety issues after continually getting pipped by the Kangaroos via some bullshit play in the last second.

Exhibit #4,326

So to the important issue; should you forego your Sunday sleep in to catch the game? Of course you should, lest you rely on Grant Hackett to spoon feed you the results through his toothy grin on Sports Sunday.  Any drowsiness you might suffer will soon be blown away by the heaving Elland road as English fans hope to erase the disappointment of 2009. And 2003. And 2004. And 2001. And 1995. And 1994. And 1992. And 1990 and, well, you probably get the picture. Let’s just say it’s a dry spell Peter Peters would be embarrassed by.

Operation desert storm

I’m predicting a match full of great highlights intersected with crappy early morning TV ads about erectile dysfunction, so here are a couple of things to especially watch out for.

5. Ryan Hall

The ‘Billy Buster’ can sniff out a try and even number up in defence, which earns him automatic cult status after some of the gumps who have inhabited the English right flank in recent campaigns. Get a good look at him now before he gets signed by the English rugby union.

"On the right yeh boss?"

4. Rangi Chase brain explosions

One can only ponder that Tim Sheens cut Rangi ‘Tea & Crumpets’ Chase from the Wests Tigers because his dicky heart just couldn’t take him and Benji Marshall ad-libbing all over the field for 80minutes. His chip kick from a 20m restart in England’s first game against Australia was an absolute pearler and there’s sure to be much more hilarity as Chase tries to outrageously overplay his hand yet again.

"Popped collar? That's not very London"

 

3. Darren Lockyer farewell

After 22 years in the top flight Lockyer is calling it quits after doctors warned him that if he lifts any more trophies he will require a double shoulder replacement in the next decade.

Loves to pull out a miracle play in the dying moments after seemingly being absent from the entire match in between ducking stray flying elbows

If it bleeds, we can elbow the fuck out of it

2. Niggle it, Just a little bit

There is no foreseeable scenario that will result in this game being a hard but clean affair played within the game’s true spirits. It is technically impossible.

With loose units like Watmough and Gallen playing for Australia and hard arses like Peacock and Morley for England things were always going to be a bit testy.  Mix in accusations of milking, favouritism, cheating an Aussie ref and outright hatred and you’ve got yourself something that’s going to set off the parental lock on your telly.

Outstanding.

You won't see any of this nonsense in the final...untill after kick off

1. Eddie and Stevo

The reason Tomkins looks so concerned is because Stevo isn't wearing any pants

If you don’t want to wake up the missus on Sunday I suggest having the TV on mute as any sort of volume is likely to leave her feeling like Eddie Hemmings and Mike Stephenson are having a shouting match under her bed.

The dynamic sky sports  duo are certainly an excitable pair, and after narrowly avoiding an AVO being levelled against them by Henry Perenara in the last Aus vs. Eng match you can bet they’ll be really flying on Sunday.

If Australia win you can expect a great deal of whining about imports in the ESL as they turn bitterly on their own team, whilst if England win they may just spontaneously combust on the spot.

So Sportsfans, be on the tweets bright and early Sunday morning for the last match of the year.

Titanic 2- The Ice Man Cometh

'Hey Des, is that Scott Fulton knicking your lobster pots?"

5 Things I love About the Sharks

Just recently I was accused of being a ‘Sharks hater’ by some of the more devoted fans from the Shire.

No Seriously

 This is totally untrue. I may be many things; An artist, a poet, a dreamer, a doorstop, a fool, a joker, a smoker, a communist, a Sharks hater-but I am definitely NOT a porn star.

I mean Sharks hater.

The Sharks and I go way back, so just to even up any perceived bias here are 5 Things I love about the Cronulla Sharks.

5. A Great Colour Scheme

Being built more like Gavin Miller 2011 than Gavin Miller 1991 I can’t wear any outlandish colours for fear of looking like a reject from a children’s morning TV show, so when I buy clothes I like to stick to the basic colours.

That is blue, black, grey or white.

All of these colours have appeared on the Sharkies jerseys at one stage or another and thus by default I’ve concluded that Cronulla do in fact make the best supporters wear.

Having a giant shark as the emblem doesn’t hurt either.

Ok maybe 2021

4. Mascots

 Again the whole Shark thing comes in pretty handy here and Cronulla have had some of the coolest mascots over the years, which I guess they’ve had to have to compete with the Mermaids booty for attention. Mr Sharky, MC hammerhead, that giant shark fin that used to drive around the ground-all gold.

Sure the whole ‘Reefy’ debacle was about as loved as the alternate jersey from a couple of years ago but you’re always going to get one gummy in the pack aren’t you?

Yep

3. Overhead Powerlines

A bit strange this one but the practice grounds at Cronulla used to have low hanging powerlines over them which meant you weren’t allowed to do a bomb. Sounds crap, but as a kid walking under them on the way into the ground it gave the place this sort of closed in, arena type vibe.

Never played there but the old man did. Something different.

As seen through the eyes of an eight year old

2. Enforcers

Even in their leanest years the Sharks have always managed to put a team of hard arses on the field so at least if they were getting lapped you might still get to watch a stink. Sorensen, Bishop, Davidson, Nutley and now Gallen.

 Lunatics the lot of em!

Try to watch some of the 78 GF, is rated R18+ and  more violent than Rambo 4!

Sorensen -even scarier nude!

 1. Polite Fans

The fans are generally pretty cruisy, come up with funny stuff (like the Covell hands) and can take losing.

Oh, and best of all they never put shit on you for having beat you in a Grand Final ha ha ha!

No really, they can take a joke, right?

Tits a Disaster!!!

For the first couple of years of their life the Gold Coast Titans (or the Tits as they’re affectionately known to locals on the GC) sparkled like the swimsuit of a nubile young meter maid, however 2011 has seen the Tits looking old, saggy and in need of support!

Pic: Titans 2011

Not since Warrick Capper got his wang out on Celebrity Big Brother has the Gold Coast been this disappointed. Performances have become as ugly as Trevor Gilmeister’s baby photos as Captain Scott Prince turned pauper, veteran forward Luke Bailey lumbered around like a balding tourist who had spent all day in the sun at Wet ‘n’ Wild and Coach John Cartwright’s appendix spontaneously combusted after Steve Michael’s dropped his 189^th ball for the season. Cartwright’s unscheduled stint in a Gold Coast recovery ward was by far the biggest blow to the team’s crowd numbers as people from both sides of the border would normally travel hours to see ‘Torretts’ Cartwright in the coach’s box doing his best impersonation of a man trapped in a phone booth with a swarm of deadly European wasps as the Tits flailed and flopped about on the field.

"Ha ha ha has anyone seen that kook Cartwright?"

Speaking of the fans most of them had found better things to do by the seasons pointy end, with many preferring to sample the Gold Coast’s legendary cultural precincts (i.e. The wax museum, Cavill Avenue Maccas, Bad Girls), perv on local talent down at Snapper Rocks or knock over a local servo or two than watch the Tits flop again. The end result of this being some of the Tits’ final game attendances looking more like a casting call for Warrick Capper’s next porno flick than a first grade footy match.

Oh if only you would...

So is this the end for the game’s former glamour boys? Should the Tits go the way of the Seagulls, Chargers and Giants? Will team owner and head Tit Michael Searle be forced to turn the clubs Centre of Excellence into a state of the art pole dancing academy just to make ends meet? Not on your Nelly! Not only does the Gold Coast have some great new Tits coming their way next year as shown in this weeks press conference but the Gold Coast is Australia’s capital of personal reinvention (just ask Tania Zaetta!). A bit of a nip here, a tuck there and whack a couple of big boppers up front and my prediction is the Tits will be back next year bigger, firmer and ready to bounce back on top where they belong!

Fair to say the puns stop here guys

5 Great Rugby League Movie Reviews

The great game of rugby league has a long and celebrated history on the silver screen. Well...no, not really. To be honest RL has made about as many cinematic appearances as Manfred Moore did for the Newtown Jets with about as  many highlights. Nevertheless... here we countdown the top 5 rugby league movies of all time.

From the producers who bought you Daredevil Dudes...

5: Footy Legends

Footy Show regular Ahn Do plays a semi-retarded down on his luck battler who brings together some old school mates to beat a team of geriatric ex-footballers in a game of Rugby League 7s and win back his younger sister.

Highlights;

A gritty depiction of RL’s place in Sydney’s Western burbs. Rod Wishart’s thighs.

Lowlights;

Some painful cameos by rugby league personalities intercut with Bargo RSL standard comedy and product placement that would make Ronald MacDonald cringe.

Realism: Probably a bit too real considering in one scene it takes Brett Kenny a minute and a half to run the length of a field

Rating: *1/2

Don Furner's approach to Kangaroo tours was definately old school

4: The First Kangaroos 

A historical reproduction of the first ever UK Kangaroo tour starring a young ET and Wayne Pearce

Higlights;

Great to see some recognition for the game’s founding fathers

Lowlights;

Made for television so you pretty much get what you expect quality wise

Realism: Several inaccuracies were noted by RL historians in the timeline of events but the game play is interesting enough

Rating:***

look just keep reading ok

3: Up ‘n’ Under                               

Bawdy Pommy comedy sees the geezers from the local pub take on the yobs from the well ‘ard hotel up the road. Catch is they’re fookin shite at roogby before employing a well fit aerobics bird (Samantha Janus, Above) to manage them.

Higlights;

 Some quite funny moments when the lads are at the boozer. Well fit Samantha Janus’ bangers make an appearance in a completely unnecessary shower scene.

Lowlights;

Didn’t exactly showcase rugby league as a particularly athletic endeavour as the players for the Wheatsheaf Arms hotel show less skill than England’s 2008 World Cup backline.

Realism: Yep no implants here. Oh the match, well, ermmm...

Rating:** (One star each)

"Ahh, two minutes boys"

2: The Final Winter

Grub Henderson is the love child of Les Boyd and Reg Ragen as the head elbowing, judiciary spraying, wife ignoring captain of the Newtown Jets who is slowly getting the arse from the game he loves.

Highlights;

The match at the start of the game is well done and the viewer can’t help but empathise with the protagonist and his downtrodden wife. Also John Jarrett adds dramatic weight to the piece.

Lowlights;

Matty Johns’ pillow under his shirt headlines a bunch of token crap ex-footy player cameos

Realism: The fact that Henson Park still looks like a dilapidated 80’s venue does wonders for the film’s authenticity as does Matt Nable’s rugby league pedigree.

Rating:****

"Third party incentives anyone?"

1: This Sporting Life

Sir Richard Harris plays for Wakefield Trinity all the whilst seducing a widowed landlady and dealing with all things grim ‘oop Narth.

Highlights;

Genuinely great acting and storyline showing the brutality often associated with RL and the industrial North

Lowlights;

Not exactly a date friendly flick or one that you would want to pop on after a hard days graft, more depressing than Souths in the 90s.

Realism:

Match footage is surprisingly excellent but the fact that the main character gets his start after belting the local team’s captain in a nightclub seems mildly hilarious if not deeply ironic.

Rating:*****

The 13 Party

With Kevin Rudd’s Twitter gaff post origin still fresh in the mind (Congrats Broncos! KRudd) one is reminded of the many times politicians have tried to talk the footy talk...and failed harder than Peter Costello dancing the Macarena. Whether its Bob Carr revving the NSW Blues up for their big Origin match against Victoria or Paul Keating congratulating Steve Roach on ‘all the great tries he kicked for Balmain’ the pollies have time and time again showed they are out of touch when it comes to the big issues in this country. It’s a disgrace.

Therefore the good people of this land have no choice but to demand that a specialist rugby league party of current and ex footy players follow in the great steps of Mal Meninga and stand in the next Federal election. Here is the shortlist of potential candidates to appear on the party ticket.

Nathan Hindmarsh                                     

Pros: Has shown great stamina over the years and been a solid leader of an inconsistent team

Cons: Terrible grooming and lacks poise in front of the camera (http://bit.ly/mSjHeh)

Slogan: “I’ll give it a crack!”

 Darren Lockyer                   

Pros: A proven winner sure to corner the QLD vote lost by Rudd’s dismissal

Cons: Voice makes Julia Gillard sound like Barry White

Slogan: “Hurgh, ughhm hrr mzz yhrm!”

"Shit, my car!"

 Matt Orford: 

Pros: Already lives in Canberra, solid toiler with great perseverance

Cons: Already failed in Canberra whilst getting paid a lot of money

Slogan: “I’ll come good, trust me!”

"The wigs. The catchphrases. Brilliant".

 Beau Ryan

Pros: Would be great on the front bench (plenty of experience sitting on the bench), has media experience and guaranteed at least a vote from Tim Sheens.

Cons: Prone to brain explosions , bound to have made a few enemies in his comedy days
Slogan: “Beau knows what you want!”

What could go wrong?

Todd Carney     

Pros: Like many former great politicians Carney has shown that he is capable of turning his life around and overcoming adversity. Wouldn’t mind living in Canberra and would fit well into any party. Has some small business experience.

Cons: Technically could be arrested if his driver stops at the traffic lights in Goulburn on the way to parliament house.

Slogan: “C’mon Australia, give me a chance! Again!”

Adam Macdougall 

Pros: Impressive speaker who is not afraid to put the boot into the opposition (just ask Toovs!)

Cons: Tends to go missing in action for long stretches and may earn the ire of the house speaker if his thighs keep interrupting parliament.

Slogan: “My thighs never let me down so don’t you even think of it!”

Probably the best not to think about the term explore in too much depth here.

‘Honest’ John Hopoate

Pros: Family Man and good Christian who has adapted to a number of changes throughout his career

Cons: Has been known to poke into areas that don’t concern him, could be argued that he doesn’t always have his finger on the pulse and at times behaves like a bit of an ass at times

Slogan: “Let honest John put his hand up for you!”

A Name for the Game Part 2

The other day we were able to have a look at some of the more impressive names to have run around in rugby league and, well, I have to say the response has been...about akin to that of drinks at Brian Smith’s house after Roosters training. Nevertheless here is the second half of A Name for the Game so finish your oranges, neck that Staminade and rip in!

Ahn Do, call this man

6. Max Mannix                                                                                                                                

‘Mad’ Max Mannix well and truly earned his moniker after the speedy flank-man dropped the ball over the line swan diving for a try against the Dragons in 1984 whilst playing for the Bulldogs. Retiring due to a neck injury after a brief stint with Illawarra Mannix fled Australia for Japan where he set up Japanese Rugby league and became a multi-award winning film maker-surely a Japanese version of ‘Footy Legends’ can’t be too far away then Max?

Name Rating: ****1/2

Player Rating: ** (1 star bonus for helping International Rugby league)

Middle Name: awesome-maximus

7. Makasini Richter                                                                                         

Makasini ‘Off-Da’ Richter was a journeyman Tongan international who had stints at the Bulldogs, Magpies and Tigers. Unlike others on this list Makasini got to choose his name having previously gone by the titles of Jackson Kaufusi and Lipina Kaufusi, however he maintains his star rating for going for something as awesome as Richter and not lame like ‘Karmichael De Vere.”

Name Rating: ****

Player Rating: **1/2

I know what you're thinking, but how many tries did Ian Healy score?

8. Bronko Djura                                                                                                

Talented sporting all-rounder  played both rugby league and cricket for Australia at schoolboy level (keeping Ian Healy out of the cricket team) before playing fullback for a number of Sydney clubs. Funnily enough ‘Bucking’ Bronko never played for Brisbane (or Australia again for that matter!).

Name rating: ****

Plater rating: ***

Faster than a disappearing franchise...

9. Steele Retchless                                                                                         

The man of Steele was a hard working second rower who gave great service to every club he played for...problem was most of the clubs he played for ended up folding! Retchless pulled on the boots for Valley Diehards, Brisbane Wests, Brisbane Broncos, Sth QLD Crushers and the London Broncos (hint: One of these clubs is not like the others).  Surely he could have fitted a season at the Steelers in there!

In addition to this Steele holds the record for most tackles in a Super League match (66) and turned out for the USA Tomahawks on a number of occasions. Superman ain’t got nothing on the ‘Retch!

Player rating: ****

Name Rating: ****

"Do you really want to play me off the bench, clown?"

10. Batman(?)                                                                                                   

I know what you’re thinking, why no first name? Well it’s Batman you fool, do you think he would go around letting out his secret identity to match officials?

Batman played a single game for Glebe in 1909, I shit you not, look it up. Whilst details of his performance are hazy it is believed he formed part of a dynamic duo at the club’s scrum base but ended up being given his marching orders early for belting some joker from the other team (perhaps Beau Ryan’s Great Great Grandfather). Was cut after being found that the Batcave fell outside Glebe’s residential zonage.

Player Rating: *

Name Rating: *****

A Name for the Game part 1

Names are a big deal in rugby league. Have a famous name and not only will it look great on your Origin jersey (somewhere under the VB logo) but it can also open up a number of doors opportunity wise. This is commonly known in footy circles as the Scot Fulton phenomenon and has nothing to do with lobsters.

Akin to this is the player who just plain has a ‘cool’ name. Rugby league is a sport built on intimidation and whilst having a name like Clive Lemon (Parramatta, 9 games) or Damon Booby (Canberra, 2 games) might not have any effect on your performance it is going to put a bloody big target on your head when you cross the touch line. Hence, here are 5 of rugby league’s coolest names and whether or not the players were able to live up to them.

Old Royston never struck twice in the same game

Royston Lightning                                                                                             

Old ‘Thunderin’ was a winger for the Green Machine during a period of their history when they were mostly rubbish. After Nadruku  and Nagas had made Canberra the competitions entertainers big things were expected of Royston however he failed to live up to the early hype and was more passing shower than category 5 storm. Retired to be the bloke in the Storm man mascot outfit...or playing park footy in Cairns, whatever you want to believe.

Name Rating: ****

Player rating: **

The mullet was a hit-ro too!

Hitro Okesene                                                                                                     

Rugby league is all about big hits and hits were this bloke’s, err..first name! Big Hitro had a long career playing in NZ then England as well representing both Samoa and NZ at International level and can these days can be found working in construction (i.e. scaffolding) in the North of England

Name Rating: *****

Player Rating: ****

Carlo Napolitano, Italian RL Coach doing his best Aldo Ferrari impersonation

Aldo Ferrari                                                                                       

Smokey who played 6 games for the University club back in the day. Not much is known about old ‘Sports car’ however considering he only played half a dozen games for eternal strugglers uni I’m guessing he was more Datsun 180B than Ferrari! Is assumed to have played on the wing.

Name Rating: ****1/2

Player Rating; *

The Paddle Pop Lion had a brief foray into professional sport

Brett Le Man                                                                                     

With a name like this you could only ever be three things;  a heavily moustached adult film star, WWE Wrestler or hard hitting back rower Gordon Tallis lookalike. Brett Le Man was the latter and carved out an impressive BRL career before running around in the Broncos formative years, scoring their first ever try in competition. Also rumoured to have knocked back an offer to play for the French National side. Who da man? Le Man Da Man!

Name rating: *****

Player Rating: ***1/2

"Ice to see you"

Sam Isemonger                                                                                               

The ‘Iceman’ was a freakishly tall almost albino forward who gave good service to both the Sharks and Dragons...imagine him and Kade ‘Abominable’ Snowden packing down together! Cruelled by a series of knee injuries Frosty retired to a lifetime of applying sunscreen at Cronulla beach and bad ice related puns.

Name rating: ****

Player rating:***

Rugby League Independent Commissioners Announced

Well finally the day has arrived sports fans. After 3 years, 2147 Chinese meals and more back and forth than a Dale Shearer kicking duel the 8 members of the NRL’s Independent Commission have been named-and what a colourful bunch they are! Some are a bit left field I admit but I’m confident the powers that be have made the right choice (i.e. no John Ribot), what about yourself?

In no particular order; 

Commissioner -Bob Katter

The man to put the ‘Independent’ into ‘Independent Commission’ MP Bob Katter adds significant political clout to the NRL and will be a great voice to have down in Canberra. Whilst some may argue that holding a spot on the IC and working in public office may will see him wearing ‘too many hats’ Katter has been shown to excel in the field of hat wearing by often parading one that Kim Beazley could hide behind.

Commissioner - Murray Hewitt  

In perhaps a nod to the great contribution New Zealand players have made to the NRL over the years former Deputy Cultural Attaché for the New Zealand consulate Murray Hewitt has been chosen to sit on the IC on the grounds of his excellent organisational skills and strong entrepreneurial streak . Also Mr Hewitt has strong links to the folk/pop/rock entertainment world.

Commissioner -Dominique Strauss-Kahn

A man of exceptional international business experience Mr Strauss-Kahn has offered to work on the I.C free of charge for the next 25 years...provided he is granted complete political asylum and gets to personally employ his own house staff.

Commissioner - Tina Turner   

Sure she’s no Spring chicken but having presided over the game’s most successful period in the early 90’s Miss Turner seemed a logical choice. Also, her experience as Queen of Bartertown holds her in good stead with regards to the fiscal side of the game as well as ensuring the sanctity of player contracts (“GI you break a deal, you spin the wheel!”).

  

Commissioner -Bear Grylls 

Having conquered Mount Everest, rowed across the English Channel naked in a bath tub and successfully made drinking your own urine cool (perhaps someone should introduce him to Anthony Watmough?) Mr Grylls will need all his survival skills to navigate the hazardous world of rugby league politics where danger lurks around every turn.

Commissioner -Stanely the Steel Avenger

Disappearing from the public eye in the late 90’s Stanley has successfully reinvented himself as a leader in the renewable resources market by investing heavily in emerging technologies. Despite this change Stanley still has maintained a strong interest in rugby league and continues to fight (or at least break up fights) for the game he loves.

Commissioner -Sheila Dikshit

Following the success of the Delhi Commonwealth games (well, compared to the 1972 Olympics anyway) Mrs Dik(hee-hee)Shit(hee-hee) is renowned for her ability to handle crisis situations with aplomb making her a logical choice for the NRL I.C. Also, those monkey guards that were employed under her watch at Delhi are seen as being a welcome addition to Bulldogs home games.

Commissioner -Greg Smith

To give the NRL players a voice on the Commission former Newcastle superstar has been added to the mix. Following a long and successful NRL career Smith obtained his Masters in International Business with honours from Harvard University before going on to work as assistant executive vice President of Finance for the NFL and obtaining the Nobel Peace Prize for Medicine for his pioneering research into the lymph nodes of the Ugabatan swamp frog. Or so he says...

 Congratulations to all, here's to the future!!!