Did you hear the one about....

Did you hear the one about...?

By far the most entertaining thing about catching up with footy players from the ‘good (bad) old days’ is listening to the tales they tell through the ears of a 21^st century, politically correct point of view. One of my favourites revolves around two first graders being caught in the ladies toilets at an opposing team’s ground standing on a lavatory with a tape recorder and pair of binoculars spying on the other team’s backline tap plays.

Of course a story like this today is as likely as Wayne Bennett starring alongside Siro in a Lowes commercial. For starters as every match is videoed the art of rugby league espionage has faded to a fragment of its former self, and secondly thanks to the internet if this event did occur today everyone from Danny Wiedler to David Westley would know about the story before the busted wanna-be James Bonds had reported back to base-so what would be the point of re-telling it?  

Busted!

For many the current level of transparency between modern players and fans via increased community interaction, coverage and social media has been in many ways like finding out the Wizard of OZ is just some nerdy Matt Cecchin lookalike behind a curtain. Fans like to imagine the NRL world as one big beefcake soap opera and when it turns out that they’re just average blokes with bigger houses and quadriceps than you and I some see fit to ‘spice things up’ by fanning the flames of conspiracy theories and rumours.

That isn’t to say that rumours haven’t always existed; it’s just that they’re spreading speed has gone from glacial to bubonic in a few years. Want to tell the world Chris Sandow has a gambling problem? Click, done. Cronulla talking to Russell Aitken?  Des Hasler getting hair extensions? Tweet tweet done.

Tweet!

The strange thing is that by getting emotional at press conferences ala Tim Sheens to deny such rumours it shows that the average blog-happy fan can have a significant impact on his, or more likely an opposing teams, fortunes by inventing such scuttlebutt. The interactivity of fan and the game itself has long been viewed a Holy Grail of sports, but has it turned out to be a poisoned chalice?

I couldn’t say but some of the blokes from the good old days, despite their bung knees and smaller pay packets, certainly seem to think so.

Lion them up!

There have been some great rugby league teams that have graced Australia’s sporting landscape over the years. Teams whose skill and tenacity have wowed spectators, captured imaginations and gone down in footy folk lore. The 1992 Parramatta Eels were not one of these teams.

After the glory days of the 80’s the new decade had been cruel to the blue and golds, and the 1992 season was akin to watching a former runway supermodel all faded and washed up calling the bingo numbers at the Dunedoo RSL.  Sure the effort was still there, but the sparkle had gone and things were beginning to stretch and sag in all the wrong places.

"Good on ya Parrrrrrrrra.........."

Parramatta won seven games that year. However, the only one you will ever here Parra Jesus and his disciples talk about was an against all odds victory against the touring Great Britain Lions side (their only loss to a club side on the tour), the best team to come out of the UK in 15 years and one that would go on to defeat the Kangaroos in Melbourne soon after. In a bleak year it became the club’s most famous victory.

Fast forward to last week and both Sydney, South Sydney and Wests Tigers CEO’s have voiced their disapproval of a proposed six match Lions tour at the end of the 2012 season. Souths CEO Shane Richardson puffed out his chest and bellowed about “player protection” and how that with the incoming Independent commission (ETA 2046) “decisions just won’t be made by the International Federation without the approval of clubs.” You know, like they are with other tin pot organisations like, I don’t know, FIFA, the IOC etc.

 With this sort of short sightedness the Rabbitohs should play out of Jurassic Park, and all this a week after Souths team owner Russell Crowe continued his one man international rugby league crusade by negotiating a deal to have Origin 1 beamed into homes in the USA.

 Souths head of ground security

For starters there hasn’t been a real Lions tour since 1992 not counting 3 or 4 Nations and the World Cup, fans would love a proper rugby league Ashes series on Australian soil. Absolutely love it. Sure the English haven’t shown a great run of form lately but I believe they would come good in a three game series rather than just a one off four nations match.

Secondly it’s only a 6 game tour, not 6 months and that includes NZ as well as Australia. Australia are supposed to play an end of season test from now on anyway, so how much more burnout will there be in an extra one or two games (and how many Souths players will make the Australian side anyway)?

 Lastly yes by playing England (as it will be now ) we are helping their development in the year before a World Cup, but what happened last world cup where the Kangaroos had the post 2007 season off to ‘avoid burnout’? That’s right; we lost for the first time since Jonny Raper had hair!

Which he hid under a sharp looking hat at all times

People may decry International rugby league but it is an important part of the games fabric which can actually make a fair bit of money, as witnessed by the fact that the ANZAC test held at a small stadium (don’t start me) made $7 million dollars for the Gold Coast, all with a third of the promotion Origin 1 received. Ignore it and in 10 years the NRL clubs will be contacting the Irish Hurling association to discuss a hybrid game or playing rugby league 9’s against the New Caledonian rugby union team or something equally daft.

So here’s the memo CEO’s: stop telling us what you and your prehistoric pal Geoff Carr want and start listening to what we want. If the Australian or NZ players really don’t want to play rep football at the highest level and get paid handsomely to do so against Australia’s oldest foe I know some blokes who will. The Illawarra and Newcastle rep teams. Northern NSW Selection. Country. Far North QLD. Western Australia. Combined Brisbane.

And given the year they’re having, I imagine probably the Parramatta Eels.

All the Small Things

All the Small Things

As the FM radio favourite of the band Blink 182 sang life is about “All the small things,” the little one percenters that make life liveable and stop you from doing something crazy like running away to join a monastery or attempting to use the toilets at Brookvale oval.



This is the least of your worries trust me



And of course when I say life, I mean sport. Sport exists as a slide specimen of our society, continuously shoved under the view finder of the Hubble telescope where action and consequence play out not in years, but seconds.

The NSW side learnt this lesson the hard way on Wednesday night when an excellent hour of defence was banished to a place in the memory bank saved for Jonathon Docking Shoulder Pads and Leon Bott’s hat tricks by one small moment. A hasty shallow kick on the fourth tackle, some strong QLD runs capped off with a final execution that would make any 18^th Century French guillotine operator proud and ya ya yippee yippee ya the game had slipped through Paul Gallen’s squirrel grip.

Which IS a pretty fair effort

Perhaps it was some sort of cosmic, karmic intervention though on behalf of Ray Warren’s football Gods as the Blues had tempted fate by ignoring some of ‘the small things’ pre-match. Not the players themselves in this case, but rather the NSWRL administrators who allowed for the replacement of players’ surnames with an amateurish looking beer advertisement on the back of the team jerseys. Anyone who is not Brett Dallas knows the attachment a football player has to his personalised rep jersey and to rob the NSW team of such a ‘small thing’ was lamentable, particular in comparison to the individual named and flag embosomed QLD strip.

But hey whilst I’m nitpicking how about we bring back some other ‘small things’.  Like NSW socks the same colour as their jerseys. Painted in-goals on grand final day. Reserve grade. Saturday afternoon games. Collars on jerseys. Warren Boland!

Ummm just as a football commentator mind you

These may be miniscule, some would argue petty things that upset the average rugby league fan. But as NSW demonstrated perfectly in Origin it is so important to get the small things right...because they are usually the most important things of all.

Vic

5 People to Avoid on Origin Night

State of Origin is a unique rugby league event in that the enormous media coverage it receives ensures that on game night weekly rugby league fans are joined by a number of more casual observers. Now, this may be great for the marketing teams producing the avant-garde beer commercials that litter the telecast however it does mean that your humble Origin party can become an uneasy melting pot of the self-important, the ignorant and the inane.

So in the interest of group harmony here are five house guests that you should avoid like a Luke O’Donnell spear-tackle head-butt combo come Wednesday night.



This is even more painful than it looks



5. The Bloke who hasn’t watched a game of rugby league in 20 years

Generally an older relation or work colleague who has been dragged away from watching ‘Heartbeat’ for the evening by a well meaning friend. He cheerily plonks himself down on the couch and asks the bewildered Gen-Y next to him whether “Big Artie is coaching again this year?” Throughout the entire game he stares at the TV confused as if looking for sub-titles that aren’t there and wondering aloud to the crowd’s growing annoyance as to why there are two referees, who’s winning the scrum count and why is Wayne Pearce playing halfback?

Just after halftime he appears to have a minor nervous breakdown when a 40/20 is kicked by Junior Pearce and leaves to go and have a Becks and a good lie down.

"Geez the King's lost some hair hasn't he!"

4. The Out of Towner

The out of Towner has a pretty decent working knowledge of modern sport but finds himself hampered by the fact that he hails from a far-flung part of the world (Scandinavia, Canada, Adelaide etc) where rugby league receives little free to air exposure. Usually tolerated during the opening stages of the match and nursed through some of the basics of the game, he quickly finds himself sitting next to #5 once he starts talking about laterals, offside traps, penalty corners and barracking. Is politely asked to leave when he enquires at the 20min mark as to whether he’s watching ‘league or union?”

Go the Blues!!!

3. The Gambling Addict

Whilst the rest of the gathering is content to hold a first try-scorers sweep the Gambling Addict has a bet on the margin, overall points scored, first point scorer, number of times Phil Gould says the word ‘spirit’ during the match pre-amble and whether or not Ricky Stuart will assault the referee in a Brisbane hotel Thursday morning.

The Gambling Addict makes a continual pest of himself by forever reminding everyone around him about all the ludicrous exotic betting options he’s taken up, bragging how he’ll tell his boss to shove it when Petero Civoniceva kicks the winning field goal and generally spending the majority of the match ignoring the game to look at live margins (and bank accounts) on his iPhone.

Exhibit A

2. The Man-Child

The Man-Child is the bloke who rocks up with a full camping esky, a bottle of rum, is clad head to toe in his state’s colours and has his face painted like a five year old at a school fete. Despite the fact that Origin is on a weeknight by national anthem he’s drunkenly boisterous; by half time he’s spilt half a dozen drinks on your carpet, spear-tackled the pot plant and got in an argument with your neighbours after urinating in their front yard.

Come the climax of the match his teams getting lapped, he’s lost interest in the actual football (not that he ever really cared anyway) and starts slurring for players to ‘Go the Biff!’ and bemoaning that all the players are a ‘Bunch a Sheilas!’ and to ‘Bring back Lazo!’ before passing out face down in a his leftover BBQ Meatlovers.

Mrs Carney answers the Roosters fans questions

1. The Could Have Been

The Could Have Been is your stockily built friend who despite reaching the lofty heights of the Mudgeeraba Redbacks reserves likes to think of himself as having a special insight into in all things professional rugby league. Usually he’ll rock up a little bit earlier than everyone else with a couple of soft drinks and ask if he can put the game on the 34cm TV in your garage so that he can sit somewhere and “hear the commentary” and not “not miss any of the action.”

More often than not he’ll emerge midway during the second half to enlighten the footballing Philistines as to how everything he had predicted would happen has happened and try to give an over complex biomechanical analysis of Jamie Soward’s goal kicking routine.

The response is generally a polite silence as everyone ignores him and wonders why his Fantasy Football team is continually lapped by Debbie the Canadian from accounts.

"Wait for it, wait for it, there it is, a kick on the 5th!"

Am I missing anyone sports fans?

To Spray or not to Spray?

It’s the latest craze sweeping Australian coaching sports psychology; forget about patting your players on the back, tossing them some brightly coloured electrolytes and mumbling your way through some poorly translated motivational quote (“When in Rome..”) after a poor performance. Instead just find the nearest microphone, take a big deep breath... and spray.

Former Norths hooker Tony Rae started the trend a couple of weeks ago unleashing the inner bad news Bear in a spray of his Brumbies rugby Union side ten times more impressive than they’ve been able to cough up this season. On Saturday night Tim Sheens went one better than Rae, sticking the Ugg-boot into his winning Tigers side at the post match press conference. Brian Smith should be so lucky.



"Only 12 beers? I smell another Dally M!"



As a coaching tool the spray is as old as Ray Warren’s knock-knock jokes and there have been some great sprayers in the game over the years. Bob Fulton, John Lang, Des ‘the Doorman’ Hasler...all these blokes could spray refs, players and administrators like Terry Hill calling the Melbourne Cup if provoked.  The spraying of your own players post match seems a low percentage play though, particularly in these days of increased player power within football clubs. Whilst Sheens may feel the right to job security through a new multi-year contract deal is it really wise for the Commander in Chief to be bagging the blokes on the front line?

For mine this public post match spray is a smokescreen that’s less about the coach revving up the players and more about them trying to get the fans onside by distancing themselves from a team’s poor play. In the day of the angry internet nerd any coach whose name doesn’t start with ‘W’ and end with ‘ayne Bennett’ can be the next Murray Hurst pretty easily with a few quick rumours and irate emails, which has lead to  a new level of coach pandering to the fan. Granted, no NRL coach has felt the need to hold a community session with PowerPoint and watered down cordial like some other sports teams but it does seem that that the modern coach has a requirement to be a lot more open, friendly and ‘accessible’ to Peter Pieater on the Hill.

"You guys want some Pizza? My shout!"

Perhaps the fan appreciates all this attention, feels more involved and dreams of the day where he can text Sheens directly (MLTZEN ISNT A CTR TS! :/) to help chose his side. In contrast to this there’s another coaching school of thought on this, one along the lines of “If you keep listening to the bloke on the hill, pretty soon you’ll be out there sitting with him”.

 The man who said this is a successful coach, seldom sprayer and probably the least accessible coach to the fans and media.

I’ll give you a hint; His name starts with ‘W’ ends with ‘ayne Bennett”...

"Chris Anderson!"

Meet the Unflushables

They wear your favourite colours, bleed for your cause, and are probably pretty nice blokes. But you just can’t help hating them anyway. Forget the invincible and the unbeatables; these guys are the unflushables.
The players in every team whose name on the team sheet is likely to send fans into a murderous, Wade-Mackinnon-like rage, but who continue to bob up in first grade week after week after week.

Half time? What the fu%k do you mean half-time!!!

Sure, some of these players might occasionally get dropped or injured, and they can show flashes of brilliance, but just like Two and a Half Men, you know they won’t be gone, or good, for too long.
There are many perceived reasons why an unflushable might frustrate his team’s fans.
Sometimes it might be put down to coaching bias, whereby a player is seen to follow a coach from club to club to cling onto a first grade spot.
Many jokes are made about the relationship between said coach and player, with rumours of coaches’ daughters flying thick and fast in the grandstands. (Hey, why do you think Ben Ikin played so much first grade?)
This player really rankles on the fan; because you know no matter how much of a stinker he has, he’ll always be selected next week as ‘an important part of the team dynamic’ or ‘a contributor in the dressing rooms.’
This is coach-speak for ‘he lives round the corner from my place and his wife cooks a mean Bolognese.’

Epic spag-Bol

Another reason may be that the now-ageing unflushable is blocking the place of a younger, far brighter prospect. Watching an over-the-hill, fading former star being continually selected for things he did five years ago is almost as annoying as being stuck behind video referee Russell Smith at the Leichardt oval canteen (Decision Pending, Decision pending, Decision pending…).
Yes, it’s sad to see a great player dropped to Reggies, but maybe they could have some dignity and take up Oztag or write articles on an internet sports forum like the rest of us, where the only critics are fourteen year olds and blokes with dodgy knees.
The last reason a player may be seen as an unflushable is that, well, he’s just not that good. Sure, every NRL player bar Greg Smith and Garrick Morgan had some skill to make it into first grade, but not all players are created equal.
The Illawarra Steelers used to have a back-up hooker named Brad Hepi who did not exactly endear himself to the local fans (though I’m led to believe he became a cult hero in Castleford). As a hooker Hepi could not pass the ball off the ground, could only tackle from the neck up and seemed continually confused out on the field.
I remember a match where he was penalised for being inside the ten only to walk off the field thinking he had been sent off. Hepi did this sort of stuff a lot.

As in three times a game a lot

My father, who was usually more John Dorahy than Donnelley, refused to attend another Steelers game as long as Hepi played, and contacted the local paper, radio stations and even the coach Allan McMahon in an effort to have him removed from the team. Ah, for the days before the internet.

So, in the interest of fairness I have nominated each NRL club’s unflushable. Feel free to tell me how wrong I am.
Panthers – Adrian Purtell
Raiders – David Milne
Souths – John Sutton
Cowboys – Ashley Graham
Manly – Tony Williams
Melbourne – Anthony Quinn
Titans – Esi Tonga
Broncos – Scott Anderson
Newcastle – Joel Edwards
Parramatta – Jeff Robson
Bulldogs – Dean Halatau
Roosters – Phil Graham
Warriors – Kristian Inu
Dragons – Matt Cooper (process of elimination)
Tigers – Daniel Fitzhenry (trust me, as long as Sheens coaches, he will be back!)
Sharks – John Morris…and most of their backline
NSW – Kurt Gidley
QLD – Brent Tate

3 Ways to Spice up the Mid-Season

Yes it’s that time of year again. It’s cold, it’s wet and you don’t have a clue who half the blokes in your footy side are. Now don’t go reaching for the Terrorist fridge magnet, I’m not going to say something un-Austrrrrayin like I don’t like Origin or the endless, endless amounts of press that goes with it (“Ricky Stuart fights constipation”-Origin Exclusive!) It’s just that it’s a bit depressing to see the NRL comp pushed to one side like a home-grown Neighbours hotty when Pippa Middelton  walks into the room for a couple of months.

It has become obvious that during the Origin period where there are split rounds, players missing/backing up and a media black hole created by the interstate series the NRL comp could do with some jazzing up so as to to capture its fair share of the media headlines. So here it is sports fan, three ways to spark up the NRL mid-season.

3. Futurismo Round

That’s right, instead of rolling out musty old jerseys, incontinent ex-players and grainy photographs for a ‘retro’ round lets think outside the square (by which I mean copy American Baseball) and invest in a ‘Future’ round. It would be ace. All the teams could wear wacky jerseys from the year 2099 (the same year the Independent Commission was founded), there would be new space age playing rules and all the fans would get to feel the action through virtual reality headsets. The game would never have any dud ref calls as they would all be highly intelligent robots and the sidelines would be electrified to stop any Hayne type nonsense.

The only downside of this idea is that taking into account inflation over the next 88 years a pie with chips and soylent green at half-time may set you back approximately $873.

"Did someone say futuristic? Cause I've been working on this idea..."

2. Reality TV

Rugby league has dipped its toe into the reality TV market over the years but for mine it hasn’t been done anywhere near to its potential.  The possibilities are endless!

 Team Steggles should be first off the mark with his new show ‘Big Rooster’, a 24 hour surveillance type exercise where all the Roosters players, partners and tattooists are chucked into a Bondi apartment together with Ian Shubert and David Gallop evicting one every week (Todd Carney would be a raging hot favourite to never get punted of course)

Also we could have “Gus’ Aprrentice,” a show where various assistant coaches complete ridiculous tasks such as driving Ray Warren to the airport, picking the winner in race 3 at Randwick and cage fighting Mark Geyer in a bid to become the next coach of Penrith.

Finally we could have the “Queanbeyan Fugitive,’ a show wear the average Joe off the street follows a series of cryptic clues and hints in an effort to find the hiding place of Canberra player Matt Orford to win a year’s supply of green milk.

1.       Park Penance

With this idea every player does an Adam Cuthbertson and gets dropped to park footy for a weekend to play for their junior club. The Dragons have been putting their excess NRL players into the local Illawarra league this year and the results have been outstanding, there’s nothing like paying Berto the Bricky who you went to school with $20 to put a shot on Peni Tagive only to see him annihilated in trying to do so!

It would be a winner in more than one way.  Players who are getting too big for their boots ala Jarryd Hayne would get a quick reality cheque when the team’s 94 year-old strapper ‘Gonzo’ knocks back half a flagon of port pre-match and the captain Daveo burns his fingers trying to mould his new mouthguard in a Styrofoam coffee cup full of boiling water as the team is running on the field. Rooster’s players wouldn’t whinge about a club’s facilities ever again as Big Bruce the team’s manager backs up the only dunny in the shed at half time forcing the players to have their orange quarters and cordial behind the back of the grandstand.

To top it off fans would get to see some top flight rugby league players all from the comfort of the front seat of their Commodore and the local clubs would do a roaring trade in steak sandwiches and generic brand soft drinks. Everyone’s a winner.

  So thrill seekers these are my ideas-anyone got anything different?

Vic

The new game they play in Heaven?

"Now turn the other cheek so I can break that too!"

A new nemesis stalks rugby league, silently stealing its brightest stars from under the noses of player managers, prospective clubs and Nick Politis. It is powerful, cashed up and all pervasive...I am of course talking about Religion.

How on Earth can the NRL hope to compete with its puny salary cap when the other guys are offering everlasting life, eternal enlightenment and free raisin toast on Sundays?

Now that the dust has settled on Will ‘Pinkie’ Hopoate’s signing with the Ned Flanders XIII for the next two seasons it’s time we examine the whole situation with a bit less zeal. For the majority of people on this website whose Sunday’s are spent breaking wind in front Video Hits as opposed to breaking bread Young Hoppa’s decision probably ranks up there with some of the decisions his old man John ‘the Antichrist’ made back in the day. However, scratch just beneath the surface of rugby league’s explosive, star spangled exterior and you’ll find that the links between rugby league and religion run deep.

Some will point to the increased presence of traditionally religious Polynesian players in the NRL. This is true to an extent, as three players now in Hopoate, Jordan Rapana and Lagi Setu (who we can only hope has received some sort of divine intervention in regards to his ball-handling skills) have left the game to pursue missionary work.  More likely though is the fact that when your career involves being belted by blokes the size of small cars and one injury might cost you your livelihood it pays to have the man up-stairs (be it God, Allah, Buddha or Paul Simpkins) in your corner.

Thus, in the same way other professionals whose jobs depend on an element of good fortune ( farmers, fishermen, soldiers etc) rugby league players are actually more inclined to be religious than members of the general public. Sure, not all of them want to appear on the Footy Show to proclaim their faith based celibacy to such understanding souls as Fatty Vautin and Trent the Flight Steward but players and coaches such as Hazem El Masri, Des Hasler, Father John Cootes and even the Hon. William Mason have shown that it is possible to ‘Love thy neighbour’ whilst simultaneously belting the tripe out of them.

Will Hopoate may not have answered every footy fan’s prays by leaving the game just as his powers were beginning to peak (although David Williams would be counting his blessings), however if the NRL wants to embrace diversity then this is going to happen from time to time. Hopoate, a young man who’s father’s shadow threatened to dismantle his career before it even began, has vowed to come back to the game stronger, faster and a better all-round human being.

Amen to that.

Analysis of QLD side for Game 1

"I swear Carl I didn't call you a big fat nuffie who gets injured every 3 games"

Sure they may look perfect, but scratch just below the surface and you'll see the QLD team has plenty of skeletons in there closet.And in the great Australian tradition of cutting down those pesky tall poppies here is a man by man analysis of why QLD WON'T win origin this year.

1. Billy SlaterJust like the champion thoroughbreds he used to train sometimes all the colour, noise and excitement can get a bit much for Slater and his alter ego ‘Billy Brain Snap’ makes a brief, Frank Spencer-like cameo to ruin 78min of near perfect play. NSW certainly hope so.

2. Darius Boyd‘Jedburgh’ has begrudgingly agreed to play for QLD provided he is allowed to call Wayne Bennett twice a day and is never mentioned in the same sentence as Steve Michaels ever again.

3. Dane NeilsenCan a former Sharks reserve grader (they had centres?) fill the boots and XXL training singlet of Greg Inglis? Jamie Soward does his best Jarryd Hayne impersonation by dodging a massive bullet here.

4. Willie Tonga

Tonga’s selection for QLD is a bit like getting tickets to an origin dead rubber-decent enough but you would rather one of the two more exciting ones ( i.e. Inglis or Hodges).

5. Jharal Yow Yeh

Superb talent could be the next Justin Hodges...and everyone remembers how good he went in his origin debut!

6. Darren Lockyer (c)If ARL officials had made the State of Origin trophy a bit heavier Lockyer could well be retiring with chronic shoulder problems by now. Still, he goes pretty solid for a 54 year old who smokes 3 packets a day but will have to watch out for Cooper Cronk trying to trip him down a flight of stairs at every opportunity.

7. Jonathon Thurston Will face much increased pressure from the NSW halves this series. And by that I’m mostly referring to the headgear and tattoo fashion stakes.

8. Petero CivonicevaNickname ‘Petrol 70cents a litre’ probably identifies how long he has been playing for. Has given good mileage over the years but there’s surely not much tread left on the tyres and only hits a top speed of 70km/hr...going downhill in a 20 knot tail wind.

9. Cameron SmithThe rich man’s Russell Aitken plans to give Jamie Goddard a buzz pre match as he’s going up against the combined NSW tough- nut-tag-team of Ennis and Young, both of whom spend more time baiting during the match than ET did in his entire last season of ET’s Fishing Adventures.

10. Matt ScottLooks like a port-a-loo with eyes and hits like a cement truck, unfortunately at times has shown about as much ball skills as one too.

11. Sam Thaiday‘Hands up’ Sam loves the rough stuff (as long as big bad Nathan Fien isn’t around) and can grow an extra leg at Origin time, which might explain why he seems to have so much trouble playing the ball properly.

12. Nate MylesWhilst the team captain gets his own hotel room Nate Myles is the only bloke who gets his own hotel. Not the biggest bloke on the field but shouldn’t hold any fear seeing he has punched above his weight with actress Tessa James for some time now.

13. Ashley HarrisonThe new Bob Linder must produce a big series following some patchy club form otherwise he could end up being labelled the new Dane Carlaw

14. Cooper CronkSecond only to Prince Charles in waiting around for his shot at the big time, ‘Simba’ Cronk is doomed to a lifetime of coming on in the 63rd minute as a second dummy half, feigning laughter at Chris Close’s jokes and wishing he was born in Kempsey.

15. Ben HannantThe devout Mormon always comes knocking this time of year and shows a fair bit of zip for a bloke with 11 kids

16. Jacob LillymanBelieved to have been selected purely as there were no shorts big enough to fit Dave Taylor’s buttocks.

17. Corey ParkerSelection in team has lead to an unprecedented outpouring of grief amongst the Fantasy Coach community. Loves a third man in cuddle tackle and Just for men hair colouring but  hardly a rampaging TV Ted Ellery coming off the bench.

Coach: Mal MeningaHas guided QLD to record success in between flogging property, fruit and reasonable priced menswear. Is there anything the man can’t do? He should run for PM...then again maybe not



NSW Origin team Analysis

Everyone had just assumed Todd carney would be selected

By now everyone has thrown in their two cents about the New South Wales Origin team. Here’s what they wouldn’t say and why New South Wales really won’t win Origin.

Fullback: Josh Dugan.
Canberra’s kid on the BMX with a rat’s tail gets the nod ahead of Jarryd Hayne on a tattoo count back. Loves to follow up a length of the field try with a knock-on from dummy half in his own 20 – and doesn’t mind a phantom injury, like boils, nerve damage etc.
Left winger: Brett Morris.
Has spent most of his time this year standing on the wing admiring the rippling torso of Matt Cooper, who to this point has refused to pass him the ball. Scintillating speed has been put to good effect being the first bloke on the spot to shake fellow winger Jason Nightingale’s hand as he scores another try.
Right centre: Mark Gasnier.
A re-born Gasnier has been drafted in by fellow New South Wales legend Stuart to act as head activities co-ordinator for the Blues (bike riding in Paris anyone?) and possibly even as team bus driver in an effort to “fire up” the boys… or at least keep Gaz off his mobile phone whilst in camp.
Left centre: Michael Jennings.
An unusual selection seeing his performance this year has to date been overshadowed by teammates Michael Gordon, Trent Waterhouse… and Adrian Purtell.
Right winger: Akuila Uate.
Hoping to emulate the long and successful Origin career of fellow Knight James McManus. Andrew Johns loves to sing the kid’s praises (and err, not in the Greg Inglis kind of way we hope).
Five eighth: Jamie Soward.
The ‘milkman’ is set to be deliver a full-cream performance for New South Wales thanks to the fact that he has actually played five-eighth before. Sure he needs more hiding in the defensive line than Matt Orford’s car at Canberra’s Woolworths and needs studs to see over his kicking tee, but gee whiz don’t you love that crazy goal-kicking style? Oh, you don’t?
Halfback: Mitchell Pearce.
Has managed to burgle his way into the New South Wales side despite being outplayed on the weekend by Scott ‘Lawn Clippings’ Porter under the New South Wales RL’s quota of having to select at least one dud half in every Origin match. Can’t wait to get into camp with the boys (i.e. away from the Roosters) and get stuck into some horse riding with Dad.
Lock: Paul Gallen (c).
Head of the Blues back-row brains trust, Gallen’s selection at captain can only be put down to coach Ricky Stuart being a huge Jack Sparrow fan and Kurt Gidley’s unwillingness to captain New South Wales from his futon in Kurri Kurri. In his defence, Gallen has tried to play the nice guy of late but everyone knows that he is likely to spear-tackle the ball boy and head-butt Julie Anthony come Origin kick-off.
Second row: Greg Bird.
Blues second rower Greg ‘Empty’ Bird (aka Wally Lewis 2.0) has been placed in charge of ironic moustaches, facial massaging and proving the existence of the ‘Bob Linder’ phenomena whereby a player can play at least twenty times better for his state than his club.
Second row: Beau Scott.
Bird’s right hand man Beau ‘Nought’ Scott has been picked to stop Greg Inglis tripping over teammate Jamie Soward and ruining his funky headgear for the night. Has promised not to take anymore advice from Andrew Johns this year on account of being easily confused.
Front row: Kade Snowden.
Picked despite the fact he plays for the Sharks, is ugly as a Broncos alternate jersey and has previously punched out his front row partner… and did I mention he plays for the Sharks?
Hooker: Michael Ennis.
Loves a penalty like Jason King does cake, is dying to get back and have a crack at the antagonistic fiend Nate Myles and continue the long line of thoroughly unlikeable New South Wales hookers. If the game gets close in the final 10 look for Ronnie Palmer running out with a bottle of Valium.
Front row: Jason King.
Picked solely on New South Wales’s blueprint of copying everything Queensland do, i.e. making sure the Blues also had at least one senior citizen in the front row. Has been receiving some tips from Steve Roach, mainly in regards to forming a plan of attack for the Hyatt’s Regency’s breakfast buffet.
Interchange:
Ben Creagh:
Nicest man in rugby league according to Wayne Bennett and Justin Hodges. The nerdy prefect on school camp selected to make sure Ennis, Gallen, Bird and Scott don’t set fire to their hotel rooms or start a cock fighting syndicate.
Trent Merrin:
“Ricky, we’re one player short!”
“Gosh dang it… just pick another Dragons player.”
“Righto… you!”
Tim Mannah:
A deserved selection ’cause he’s such a nice guy and is forced to play for Parramatta every weekend.
Dean Young:
Interchange hooker picked just in case Michael Ennis misses the team bus again (turns out Beau Scott was counting the players for the driver last year).
Coach: Ricky Stuart:
Will lead the way for his players by whining, looking constipated for a week before eye gouging the match official following a loss… and did I mention he used to coach the Sharks?