NSW Origin team Analysis

Everyone had just assumed Todd carney would be selected

By now everyone has thrown in their two cents about the New South Wales Origin team. Here’s what they wouldn’t say and why New South Wales really won’t win Origin.

Fullback: Josh Dugan.
Canberra’s kid on the BMX with a rat’s tail gets the nod ahead of Jarryd Hayne on a tattoo count back. Loves to follow up a length of the field try with a knock-on from dummy half in his own 20 – and doesn’t mind a phantom injury, like boils, nerve damage etc.
Left winger: Brett Morris.
Has spent most of his time this year standing on the wing admiring the rippling torso of Matt Cooper, who to this point has refused to pass him the ball. Scintillating speed has been put to good effect being the first bloke on the spot to shake fellow winger Jason Nightingale’s hand as he scores another try.
Right centre: Mark Gasnier.
A re-born Gasnier has been drafted in by fellow New South Wales legend Stuart to act as head activities co-ordinator for the Blues (bike riding in Paris anyone?) and possibly even as team bus driver in an effort to “fire up” the boys… or at least keep Gaz off his mobile phone whilst in camp.
Left centre: Michael Jennings.
An unusual selection seeing his performance this year has to date been overshadowed by teammates Michael Gordon, Trent Waterhouse… and Adrian Purtell.
Right winger: Akuila Uate.
Hoping to emulate the long and successful Origin career of fellow Knight James McManus. Andrew Johns loves to sing the kid’s praises (and err, not in the Greg Inglis kind of way we hope).
Five eighth: Jamie Soward.
The ‘milkman’ is set to be deliver a full-cream performance for New South Wales thanks to the fact that he has actually played five-eighth before. Sure he needs more hiding in the defensive line than Matt Orford’s car at Canberra’s Woolworths and needs studs to see over his kicking tee, but gee whiz don’t you love that crazy goal-kicking style? Oh, you don’t?
Halfback: Mitchell Pearce.
Has managed to burgle his way into the New South Wales side despite being outplayed on the weekend by Scott ‘Lawn Clippings’ Porter under the New South Wales RL’s quota of having to select at least one dud half in every Origin match. Can’t wait to get into camp with the boys (i.e. away from the Roosters) and get stuck into some horse riding with Dad.
Lock: Paul Gallen (c).
Head of the Blues back-row brains trust, Gallen’s selection at captain can only be put down to coach Ricky Stuart being a huge Jack Sparrow fan and Kurt Gidley’s unwillingness to captain New South Wales from his futon in Kurri Kurri. In his defence, Gallen has tried to play the nice guy of late but everyone knows that he is likely to spear-tackle the ball boy and head-butt Julie Anthony come Origin kick-off.
Second row: Greg Bird.
Blues second rower Greg ‘Empty’ Bird (aka Wally Lewis 2.0) has been placed in charge of ironic moustaches, facial massaging and proving the existence of the ‘Bob Linder’ phenomena whereby a player can play at least twenty times better for his state than his club.
Second row: Beau Scott.
Bird’s right hand man Beau ‘Nought’ Scott has been picked to stop Greg Inglis tripping over teammate Jamie Soward and ruining his funky headgear for the night. Has promised not to take anymore advice from Andrew Johns this year on account of being easily confused.
Front row: Kade Snowden.
Picked despite the fact he plays for the Sharks, is ugly as a Broncos alternate jersey and has previously punched out his front row partner… and did I mention he plays for the Sharks?
Hooker: Michael Ennis.
Loves a penalty like Jason King does cake, is dying to get back and have a crack at the antagonistic fiend Nate Myles and continue the long line of thoroughly unlikeable New South Wales hookers. If the game gets close in the final 10 look for Ronnie Palmer running out with a bottle of Valium.
Front row: Jason King.
Picked solely on New South Wales’s blueprint of copying everything Queensland do, i.e. making sure the Blues also had at least one senior citizen in the front row. Has been receiving some tips from Steve Roach, mainly in regards to forming a plan of attack for the Hyatt’s Regency’s breakfast buffet.
Interchange:
Ben Creagh:
Nicest man in rugby league according to Wayne Bennett and Justin Hodges. The nerdy prefect on school camp selected to make sure Ennis, Gallen, Bird and Scott don’t set fire to their hotel rooms or start a cock fighting syndicate.
Trent Merrin:
“Ricky, we’re one player short!”
“Gosh dang it… just pick another Dragons player.”
“Righto… you!”
Tim Mannah:
A deserved selection ’cause he’s such a nice guy and is forced to play for Parramatta every weekend.
Dean Young:
Interchange hooker picked just in case Michael Ennis misses the team bus again (turns out Beau Scott was counting the players for the driver last year).
Coach: Ricky Stuart:
Will lead the way for his players by whining, looking constipated for a week before eye gouging the match official following a loss… and did I mention he used to coach the Sharks?