Analysis of QLD side for Game 1

"I swear Carl I didn't call you a big fat nuffie who gets injured every 3 games"

Sure they may look perfect, but scratch just below the surface and you'll see the QLD team has plenty of skeletons in there closet.And in the great Australian tradition of cutting down those pesky tall poppies here is a man by man analysis of why QLD WON'T win origin this year.

1. Billy SlaterJust like the champion thoroughbreds he used to train sometimes all the colour, noise and excitement can get a bit much for Slater and his alter ego ‘Billy Brain Snap’ makes a brief, Frank Spencer-like cameo to ruin 78min of near perfect play. NSW certainly hope so.

2. Darius Boyd‘Jedburgh’ has begrudgingly agreed to play for QLD provided he is allowed to call Wayne Bennett twice a day and is never mentioned in the same sentence as Steve Michaels ever again.

3. Dane NeilsenCan a former Sharks reserve grader (they had centres?) fill the boots and XXL training singlet of Greg Inglis? Jamie Soward does his best Jarryd Hayne impersonation by dodging a massive bullet here.

4. Willie Tonga

Tonga’s selection for QLD is a bit like getting tickets to an origin dead rubber-decent enough but you would rather one of the two more exciting ones ( i.e. Inglis or Hodges).

5. Jharal Yow Yeh

Superb talent could be the next Justin Hodges...and everyone remembers how good he went in his origin debut!

6. Darren Lockyer (c)If ARL officials had made the State of Origin trophy a bit heavier Lockyer could well be retiring with chronic shoulder problems by now. Still, he goes pretty solid for a 54 year old who smokes 3 packets a day but will have to watch out for Cooper Cronk trying to trip him down a flight of stairs at every opportunity.

7. Jonathon Thurston Will face much increased pressure from the NSW halves this series. And by that I’m mostly referring to the headgear and tattoo fashion stakes.

8. Petero CivonicevaNickname ‘Petrol 70cents a litre’ probably identifies how long he has been playing for. Has given good mileage over the years but there’s surely not much tread left on the tyres and only hits a top speed of 70km/hr...going downhill in a 20 knot tail wind.

9. Cameron SmithThe rich man’s Russell Aitken plans to give Jamie Goddard a buzz pre match as he’s going up against the combined NSW tough- nut-tag-team of Ennis and Young, both of whom spend more time baiting during the match than ET did in his entire last season of ET’s Fishing Adventures.

10. Matt ScottLooks like a port-a-loo with eyes and hits like a cement truck, unfortunately at times has shown about as much ball skills as one too.

11. Sam Thaiday‘Hands up’ Sam loves the rough stuff (as long as big bad Nathan Fien isn’t around) and can grow an extra leg at Origin time, which might explain why he seems to have so much trouble playing the ball properly.

12. Nate MylesWhilst the team captain gets his own hotel room Nate Myles is the only bloke who gets his own hotel. Not the biggest bloke on the field but shouldn’t hold any fear seeing he has punched above his weight with actress Tessa James for some time now.

13. Ashley HarrisonThe new Bob Linder must produce a big series following some patchy club form otherwise he could end up being labelled the new Dane Carlaw

14. Cooper CronkSecond only to Prince Charles in waiting around for his shot at the big time, ‘Simba’ Cronk is doomed to a lifetime of coming on in the 63rd minute as a second dummy half, feigning laughter at Chris Close’s jokes and wishing he was born in Kempsey.

15. Ben HannantThe devout Mormon always comes knocking this time of year and shows a fair bit of zip for a bloke with 11 kids

16. Jacob LillymanBelieved to have been selected purely as there were no shorts big enough to fit Dave Taylor’s buttocks.

17. Corey ParkerSelection in team has lead to an unprecedented outpouring of grief amongst the Fantasy Coach community. Loves a third man in cuddle tackle and Just for men hair colouring but  hardly a rampaging TV Ted Ellery coming off the bench.

Coach: Mal MeningaHas guided QLD to record success in between flogging property, fruit and reasonable priced menswear. Is there anything the man can’t do? He should run for PM...then again maybe not