The End of the World...soon.

It has come to my attention that the End of the World (EOW) has been slated for sometime around the 21st December, 2012. This of course has a number of serious ramifications.

For starters there was that terrible movie 2012, which even after I figured out it wasn't a sequel to 1984 nor a reboot of 2001, still managed to be a tacky, tacky piece of shit.

God Dammit your movies used to stand for something John Cusack!

On top of this there's the fact that human kind is facing extinction, which is really a bit of a downer... especially from a sporting persepective.
Just think of all the rad stuff that we may never get to see. No Independent Commission. No New TV deal. No new NRL teams. No Ben pomeroy making his NSW debut. No Sharks inaugraul premiership. No more new Lowes Commercials.

Maybe the Wok had a point in '89

Well ok, I'll probably avoid that last one like a night on the town with Anthony Watmough but even still it's not a very comfortable thought.

Perhaps its best then that these EOW things seem to come along as often as Jimmy Barnes at an NRL Grand Final and are easier to survive than the Titans on the attack in your own red zone. But just in case.. please don't let Manly win the GFagain. This year is going to be painful enough without them being proclaimed 'Champions of Eternity'.

Eternity is looking like a pretty long time right about now

Also for more EOW talk and how it will affect the Wide World of Sports please don't forget to visit here

Vic

Happy New NRL Year!

Well it's less than 60 days till the start of the NRL season and your favourite footy stars are taking their last chance to let their hair down before they knuckle down for the pre-season proper.
.


"Just nipping round to Robert Lui's house for a couple of quiet ones"

So like everyone else who woke up on New Year's day  feeling like Jamie Ainscough after the '99 GF I've decided to draft a range of resolutions for the coming season.

2012 NRL Resolutions

1. Stop Sending letters to the Gold Coast Bulletin re Steve Michaels

There appears to be a few inevitabilities to life on the Gold Coast. Sand in your house, bikies in your nightclubs and crappy outside backs in your footy team. Whilst Michaels may be a cut above, say, Ben jefferies or Brenton Bowen, he still strikes me as a bloke who would be more at home as capt-coach for the Dalby Devils (Reserves) rather than playing in the NRL. Just to show I'm a fair man though I'm prepared to give the local kid another shot and stop death riding him in the local rag. Untill the 3rd min of the first trial when he's flattened by Chris Sandow.

These were wonderful times

2. Don't get sucked into coach or player drivel

Every year in the lead up to the NRL season team coaches and captains will do the media circuit coughing out more crap than Anthony Mundine beat-boxing in a 1967 Kombi van. And every year without doubt i'll go and put $400 on Souths to win the premiership after winning the charity shield. Well no more!

"Yes, Luke Capewell is a great replacement for myself, why do you ask?"

3. Get on the Warriors bandwagon nice and early

This one is fairly obvious. The Warriors late blitz in the semis last year sent me into a spin trying to desperately get my hands on NZ merchandise and a carton of Lion Red. This year with Bluey at the helm and their roster looking the goods,I'll be prepared nice and early, with the complete Footrot Flats collection already on order and several appointments at my local tattoo parlour booked in advance.

Justify that typo buddy

4. Try to watch the entire City vs. Country match without falling asleep

A challenge worthy of a true rugby league trainspotter, I'm hoping a carton of Red Bull's from Justin Hodges and a winter spent watching the Mudgeeraba Redback 3rd grade team run around  might get me through the annual booor-fest. A Sunday afternoon timeslot is a God send here.



"Another 20 minutes of this shit? Boooooor"



5. Devote less time to taking the piss out of Todd Carney

Todd hasn't exactly made this easy for me by signing with the Sharks and undoubtedly getting even more retarded tattoos in the off-season, however it's also unlikely that he could play worse than last season. And for his sake, I hope so ....

"Quick, he's heading to Northies!"

For some more serious resolutions check out these ones from website theroar.com.au





Happy Christmas NRL Fans

Well footy season is still ridiculously far away, but cheer up everyone cause Saint Nick is almost here...

Yeh Gods not that one!

Which means you will be looking to get that special someone in your life (kids, wife, unrequited romantic crush, parole officer etc) a great footy themed present.
 Lucky for you there are some absolute rippers out there. And by rippers I mean an abundance of over-priced, tacky shit. Here's a look at some of the worst.

Broncos Stocking



Why you just wouldn't use a pillow case is beyond me, but for the Broncos fan who has everything (except Darren Lockyer-burn!) there's the offical NRL stocking. Problem is it's not so much a present in itself and would struggle to fit allan langer inside it.

Rabbitohs Bauble



Good for the fact that Souths colours are very Christmas like, however this bauble is unbelievably brittle and can more often than not can be found hanging pretty low on the tree come season end.

Cowboys Bon Bons



Not a whole lot of bang for your buck with these babies as they tend to go off with a whimper, a bit like the Cowboys in last year's final series. Once cracked the insides revealed a paper hat, a crappy green plastic whistle and a bunch of hilarious jokes such as; "Why did the Cowboys sign Robert Lui?" and "A Johnathon Thurston and a Willie Tonga walk into a Darwin nightclub..."


Parramatta Santa Gnome


Well despite the fact that it's wearing Bulldogs colours the gnome does physically resemble most of the players Parra signed for 2011. I hear Paul Osbourne might be selling a few on the cheap if you're keen.

Bulldogs BBQ Fork



Will go well with your Titans spoon and the knife from Kevin Moore's back


A model that is suppossed to look like Brett Hodgson



Pretty sure your kid will  Gordon Tallis  poor old Brett right into the bin if you dare get him this monstrosity for Christmas. On the plus size it is actual size and weight.


Warriors Car Seat Covers



Guranteed to earn you a false drink driving conviction in your local paper come Boxing Day...

Limited edition Rod Henniker footy card



It wouldn't be Christmas without the fat man in red!

Hope this helps, if however you're looking to get a something for your favourite NRL club (besides a threatening email) the following article by my mates at theroar.com.au might be able to help you out.

NRL Team Gifts


All the best

Vic

Four Nations Final Preview

The Four Nations Final (called so because it starts at 4am I believe) is on again this weekend, and as the nudist enforcer  Rex Mossip would have said it appears to “be Déjà Vu all over again” for England. You think Bill Murray had it bad in Groundhog Day?  All he had to do was root the tepidly attractive Andie McDowell to escape his infinite loop, England have to put behind them a couple of generations worth of anxiety issues after continually getting pipped by the Kangaroos via some bullshit play in the last second.

Exhibit #4,326

So to the important issue; should you forego your Sunday sleep in to catch the game? Of course you should, lest you rely on Grant Hackett to spoon feed you the results through his toothy grin on Sports Sunday.  Any drowsiness you might suffer will soon be blown away by the heaving Elland road as English fans hope to erase the disappointment of 2009. And 2003. And 2004. And 2001. And 1995. And 1994. And 1992. And 1990 and, well, you probably get the picture. Let’s just say it’s a dry spell Peter Peters would be embarrassed by.

Operation desert storm

I’m predicting a match full of great highlights intersected with crappy early morning TV ads about erectile dysfunction, so here are a couple of things to especially watch out for.

5. Ryan Hall

The ‘Billy Buster’ can sniff out a try and even number up in defence, which earns him automatic cult status after some of the gumps who have inhabited the English right flank in recent campaigns. Get a good look at him now before he gets signed by the English rugby union.

"On the right yeh boss?"

4. Rangi Chase brain explosions

One can only ponder that Tim Sheens cut Rangi ‘Tea & Crumpets’ Chase from the Wests Tigers because his dicky heart just couldn’t take him and Benji Marshall ad-libbing all over the field for 80minutes. His chip kick from a 20m restart in England’s first game against Australia was an absolute pearler and there’s sure to be much more hilarity as Chase tries to outrageously overplay his hand yet again.

"Popped collar? That's not very London"

 

3. Darren Lockyer farewell

After 22 years in the top flight Lockyer is calling it quits after doctors warned him that if he lifts any more trophies he will require a double shoulder replacement in the next decade.

Loves to pull out a miracle play in the dying moments after seemingly being absent from the entire match in between ducking stray flying elbows

If it bleeds, we can elbow the fuck out of it

2. Niggle it, Just a little bit

There is no foreseeable scenario that will result in this game being a hard but clean affair played within the game’s true spirits. It is technically impossible.

With loose units like Watmough and Gallen playing for Australia and hard arses like Peacock and Morley for England things were always going to be a bit testy.  Mix in accusations of milking, favouritism, cheating an Aussie ref and outright hatred and you’ve got yourself something that’s going to set off the parental lock on your telly.

Outstanding.

You won't see any of this nonsense in the final...untill after kick off

1. Eddie and Stevo

The reason Tomkins looks so concerned is because Stevo isn't wearing any pants

If you don’t want to wake up the missus on Sunday I suggest having the TV on mute as any sort of volume is likely to leave her feeling like Eddie Hemmings and Mike Stephenson are having a shouting match under her bed.

The dynamic sky sports  duo are certainly an excitable pair, and after narrowly avoiding an AVO being levelled against them by Henry Perenara in the last Aus vs. Eng match you can bet they’ll be really flying on Sunday.

If Australia win you can expect a great deal of whining about imports in the ESL as they turn bitterly on their own team, whilst if England win they may just spontaneously combust on the spot.

So Sportsfans, be on the tweets bright and early Sunday morning for the last match of the year.

Titanic 2- The Ice Man Cometh

'Hey Des, is that Scott Fulton knicking your lobster pots?"

5 Things I love About the Sharks

Just recently I was accused of being a ‘Sharks hater’ by some of the more devoted fans from the Shire.

No Seriously

 This is totally untrue. I may be many things; An artist, a poet, a dreamer, a doorstop, a fool, a joker, a smoker, a communist, a Sharks hater-but I am definitely NOT a porn star.

I mean Sharks hater.

The Sharks and I go way back, so just to even up any perceived bias here are 5 Things I love about the Cronulla Sharks.

5. A Great Colour Scheme

Being built more like Gavin Miller 2011 than Gavin Miller 1991 I can’t wear any outlandish colours for fear of looking like a reject from a children’s morning TV show, so when I buy clothes I like to stick to the basic colours.

That is blue, black, grey or white.

All of these colours have appeared on the Sharkies jerseys at one stage or another and thus by default I’ve concluded that Cronulla do in fact make the best supporters wear.

Having a giant shark as the emblem doesn’t hurt either.

Ok maybe 2021

4. Mascots

 Again the whole Shark thing comes in pretty handy here and Cronulla have had some of the coolest mascots over the years, which I guess they’ve had to have to compete with the Mermaids booty for attention. Mr Sharky, MC hammerhead, that giant shark fin that used to drive around the ground-all gold.

Sure the whole ‘Reefy’ debacle was about as loved as the alternate jersey from a couple of years ago but you’re always going to get one gummy in the pack aren’t you?

Yep

3. Overhead Powerlines

A bit strange this one but the practice grounds at Cronulla used to have low hanging powerlines over them which meant you weren’t allowed to do a bomb. Sounds crap, but as a kid walking under them on the way into the ground it gave the place this sort of closed in, arena type vibe.

Never played there but the old man did. Something different.

As seen through the eyes of an eight year old

2. Enforcers

Even in their leanest years the Sharks have always managed to put a team of hard arses on the field so at least if they were getting lapped you might still get to watch a stink. Sorensen, Bishop, Davidson, Nutley and now Gallen.

 Lunatics the lot of em!

Try to watch some of the 78 GF, is rated R18+ and  more violent than Rambo 4!

Sorensen -even scarier nude!

 1. Polite Fans

The fans are generally pretty cruisy, come up with funny stuff (like the Covell hands) and can take losing.

Oh, and best of all they never put shit on you for having beat you in a Grand Final ha ha ha!

No really, they can take a joke, right?

Tits a Disaster!!!

For the first couple of years of their life the Gold Coast Titans (or the Tits as they’re affectionately known to locals on the GC) sparkled like the swimsuit of a nubile young meter maid, however 2011 has seen the Tits looking old, saggy and in need of support!

Pic: Titans 2011

Not since Warrick Capper got his wang out on Celebrity Big Brother has the Gold Coast been this disappointed. Performances have become as ugly as Trevor Gilmeister’s baby photos as Captain Scott Prince turned pauper, veteran forward Luke Bailey lumbered around like a balding tourist who had spent all day in the sun at Wet ‘n’ Wild and Coach John Cartwright’s appendix spontaneously combusted after Steve Michael’s dropped his 189^th ball for the season. Cartwright’s unscheduled stint in a Gold Coast recovery ward was by far the biggest blow to the team’s crowd numbers as people from both sides of the border would normally travel hours to see ‘Torretts’ Cartwright in the coach’s box doing his best impersonation of a man trapped in a phone booth with a swarm of deadly European wasps as the Tits flailed and flopped about on the field.

"Ha ha ha has anyone seen that kook Cartwright?"

Speaking of the fans most of them had found better things to do by the seasons pointy end, with many preferring to sample the Gold Coast’s legendary cultural precincts (i.e. The wax museum, Cavill Avenue Maccas, Bad Girls), perv on local talent down at Snapper Rocks or knock over a local servo or two than watch the Tits flop again. The end result of this being some of the Tits’ final game attendances looking more like a casting call for Warrick Capper’s next porno flick than a first grade footy match.

Oh if only you would...

So is this the end for the game’s former glamour boys? Should the Tits go the way of the Seagulls, Chargers and Giants? Will team owner and head Tit Michael Searle be forced to turn the clubs Centre of Excellence into a state of the art pole dancing academy just to make ends meet? Not on your Nelly! Not only does the Gold Coast have some great new Tits coming their way next year as shown in this weeks press conference but the Gold Coast is Australia’s capital of personal reinvention (just ask Tania Zaetta!). A bit of a nip here, a tuck there and whack a couple of big boppers up front and my prediction is the Tits will be back next year bigger, firmer and ready to bounce back on top where they belong!

Fair to say the puns stop here guys